Sometimes.....

I feel like my life is spinning out of control.  Work keeps me insane, especially with the upcoming deployment.  There is so much to prepare for and being an assistant flight chief to a flight chief who has been gone from work so much due to his wife's illness means I am shouldering almost two jobs.  My husband is very understanding and picks up so much of my slack at home.... but that only adds to my stress.  How much can he/will he take?  I spend 12 to 13 hours at work almost everyday...  I know others do more.  How do they do it or are they not maintaining a balance at all?  All work and no play.  I constantly worry that, no, I know that I am not balancing things out.  But with the deployment and my desire to move up in the organization I feel I have to put in those extra hours.  I can retire in two years but if I want to retire with more than a MSgt's retirement pay I have to put on SMSgt and then spend two more years in before I can retire with that pay.  Do I want to do this?  That means I have to possibly do 4 more years (at least).

Home destresses me, thank god.  Watching the horses eat as the last of the daylight leaves the property is very peaceful.  Listening to the dogs snore right now also helps.  Getting to sleep in a bit this morning was wonderful and I am looking forward to cooking some spaghetti sauce in the slow cooker in a bit... maybe catch a movie on Netflix.  But it always seems like it's too little, never enough downtime.

My hubby says something to me a lot.  And I do hear what he is saying.. but if the stuff doesn't get done then it's a failure on my part, or at least that is the way I feel.  He says "When you are on your deathbed are you going to agonize over not cleaning the house enough or are you going to agonize over not having ridden your horses more?"

Well, I do know what the answer to that is but it seems like I cannot get over my OCD and just let things go. But when I sit down and think about it I do feel like I have let too much go.  Because of work this house isn't as clean as I like.  There is always something dirty or stuffed in a closet to get it out out sight.  The property hasn't been work with.  No flower beds.  No Garden.  Certainly no more pasture's than the one.  I have not ridden a horse since early fall and then only 2 rides.  Max has not been worked with hardly at all. 

What is the answer?  Work and bring home bacon or let it go, ride out my 2 years and bring home a measly retirement check possibly forcing me to go find work elsewhere anyway to make ends meet?

This is really sucking.